


Hot Singles in your Area

by StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Series: Hot Singles in your Area Au [2]
Category: One Piece
Genre: F/M, M/M, but you're getting it anyways, ships literally no one asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 10:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 22,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13028907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: Basically everyone is a lot hornier than they'd like to admit.And no one's really happy with that





	1. Chapter 1

“So are you coming back here after the party? I need to know if I’m going to have to keep an eye out for your dumb ass so we don’t hear about you on the news because you froze to death somewhere stupid because you got lost in the dark.” Ace asked, lazily looking over the back of the couch at his brother as Luffy shoved cheeses and hams into his mouth as he looked in the fridge for more food.

 

“I ‘unno. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.” Luffy shrugged, another piece of ham going into his mouth. “I might crash at Shanks’s place. I think its closer.” There was a pause. “Hey Ace, whose house is closer to Zoro’s?”

 

“How should I know? Do you think that anyone knows all the people that you know? I don’t check up on you every day to find out about every new person that you’ve tricked into friendship.”   
  
“Hey Sabo, whose house is closer?”

 

“If you don’t know, just crash at Zoro’s for the night and figure it out in the morning? You’re gonna eat yourself into a food coma. You sleep on his couch every other night anyways, don’t you?” Sabo said, not even looking up from his phone as he stayed lounged on the armchair.

 

“I should’ve just asked Sabo, he’s the smart brother.” Ace grunted and forced himself to sit up to glare at Luffy. 

 

“What do you mean ‘smart brother?”

 

“I mean its kinda obvious. Sabo’s the smart brother. He did have an answer, didn’t he?” Luffy said through a mouthful of cheese. 

 

“Don’t worry about it, Ace. There’s no shame in coming in second.” Sabo snorted, finally looking up over his phone with a smug grin.

 

“You are not smarter than me!”

 

“You wanna solve this with trivial pursuit or fists?”    
  
“You know how I wanna solve this!” Ace growled, leaning in and ready to jump up and throw some hands. It was going to end in a fight anyways. There was no way a board game was ending any other way.

 

“FIght! Fight! Fight! Fight!” Luffy chanted, pumping his fistful of ham in the air. It was always a great time to watch his brothers fight. In Luffy’s opinion, it was always funny.

 

And it seemed he was in luck, because Sabo and Ace had gotten up and were ready to throw down. They always kinda evened out at the same amount of losses and wins, so this was anyone’s fight. But only one could win.

 

“Kick his ass Sabo!” Today did feel like a pick on Ace kinda day.

 

“I’m kicking your ass as soon as I kick his!” Ace threatened, making the mistake of taking his attention off of Sabo. 

 

His threat was soon followed by Sabo knocking them both over with the couch. 

 

The sound that Ace made as he fell over the back of the couch from a solid sucker punch from Sabo was only a little louder than the thud of the couch as it tipped over, but it was so worth it. It might’ve been the funniest sound that Luffy’s heard in awhile. It had him doubled over with laughter as he replayed the startled “GAK” sound in his head.

 

Sabo soon followed Ace over the couch to keep fighting, only to get a kick in the stomach from Ace. Luffy knew it was a solid kick because of the “oof” that escaped Sabo. None of them made any sounds in fights to make it sound like the other was landing solid hits, unless it was a really solid one and you got no say in the matter.

 

But what had Luffy laughing so hard that he had to sit down on the floor and really try not to choke on his current mouthful of ham, was the fact that Ace didn’t actually have a follow up plan on what to do after the kick, and Sabo just kinda ended up body slamming him. This was one of the better fight’s he’d seen in awhile.

 

It didn’t take long for Dadan to come stomping down the stairs to come yell at them and ruin the fun. Joke was on her, because she missed what was probably going to be the highlights of this fight. 

 

“What the hell is all this noise?! You little shits better not be ruining all my furniture!!” She shrieked. It just made all this all the more funny. Luffy couldn’t stop laughing, he was basically wheezing on the floor now because of the situation he had caused. “If you’re so hellbent on beating the shit out of each other, do it outside! Where you won’t break anything!”

 

“We haven’t broken any furniture yet. Calm down. Sabo might’ve cracked a rib with his fat ass, but that’s about it.” Ace said, holding up his hands like he’s done nothing, as he and Sabo rolled off each other on the back of the tipped over couch.

 

“Not my fault you have paper bones.” Sabo said, sitting up and leaning against the former seat of the couch.

 

“I’ll still kick your ass.”

 

“Hey! Don’t ignore me you brats! You better not’ve! If you did you can bet your asses you’re gonna pay for it! Even if I have to go over your damn heads and tell Garp what you turds have been up to.” 

 

Oh this suddenly became a lot less fun. Gramps actually made them do stuff because he was actually scary when he got mad. He had actual consequences and that was way scarier than anything Dadan had to say most of the time. Dadan didn’t have any follow up ever so you could do anything, but she would definitely make a phone call and make them Garp’s problem. And that was a big problem.

 

“Alright, alright. Geez, you don’t have to make such a big deal about it. Nothing’s going to be broken. We’re done fighting anyways.” Ace sighed, propping himself up, choosing to stay on the floor. Neither of them looked happy about it.

 

At least Luffy could still find the humor in it, as he kept snickering. 

 

“Shishishi, Ace and Sabo are in trouble.” 

 

“Hey! Don’t laugh you little shit!” Ace shot a glare at the resident pain in the ass.

 

“We’ll both kick your ass!” Sabo added.

 

Jokes on them, because threats only make it all the more funny, but before they could get up and thrash him, Dadan spoke up.

 

“Since I’m down here anyways, might as well tell you brats that you can’t be here this Friday.”

 

“What, you finally kicking us out?” 

 

“Like there’s any force on earth to keep you brats from bothering me and eating my food, “ Dadan snorted, “no, I just need you out of the house because I have a date that day and I don’t want you brats messing it up.”

 

The boys reacted by fake gagging and retching.

 

“Hey! Don’t react like that!”

 

“Then don’t tell us about your gross date. You got your wish, we’ll stay the hell out of your house Friday, and we’ll even throw in Saturday just in case.” Ace said, trying not to gag.

 

“It’s the first da- WHAT KIND OF DATE DO YOU THINK THIS IS?!” She yelled, her face turning a bright red. 

 

“I’ll just crash at Sabo’s or Marco’s that night. You can fuckin do whatever to whoever.” That last part had Ace gagging a bit.    
  


“Oh my god,” she ran a hand down her face, “This is what I get for telling you brats about my personal life. You do whatever, just be out of my hair Friday. I don’t give a shit what you do.” Dadan threw up her hands and stormed back upstairs. 

 

The brothers sat in silence for a moment, then looked at each other and gagged. 

 

“Guess she finally found someone on that dating site.” Sabo mused. “It’s still really gross.”

 

“But whoever it is, they better treat her right, or we get to beat the shit out of them.” Ace added on.

 

“Yeah we’ll beat the apology right out of them!”

 

There was a moment of silence again.

 

“It’s still really gross.” 

 

None of them really knew what to do at this point. They all knew this was coming, but none of them were really prepared. 

 

“Well… I’m going to Usopp’s.” Luffy decided, making the smart choice and getting the hell out of there.

 

“Yeah, I should be going… places….”

 

“Yeah… me too.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the confusion, I made the posts yesterday in a hurry and I guess I didn't hit all the right buttons. We will be getting to ZoSan soon I promise.

The only thing he really had to do for his party was to make sure that it was in fact okay to have it at their place. While he was pretty sure that Mihawk would just be in his room all night, and Perona would be off doing whatever she did most nights, and if not she’d just be in her room. The one who used the living room the most was Luffy, who liked to crash on their couch in there like he paid rent. Luffy didn’t actually live there so he got no say in how the living room was used.

 

Seeing as Zoro only had eight friends, it didn’t seem like that big a deal. They probably wouldn’t get too out of control. Mistakes had been made in the past, but those mistakes had given way to solutions that so far hadn’t really failed. So while they might get a little loud it wasn’t like there was going to be major incidents. 

 

Might as well get the hard one out of the way first. She had the least amount of say considering that she was also just renting a room, but she lived here too and he’d be pissed if she threw a party without telling him and he had to deal with all that bullshit. It was probably still early enough that Perona was still in her room. It was his off day, so he had just gotten up and it was well into the afternoon. She was probably awake by now. 

 

He knocked on her door and waited. Through the door he could hear a faint “oh my god”, meaning that she was in fact not awake. Shit. This was going to make things a lot harder for him because he was asking a favor from her and she was already in a fucking mood. There was no way this was going to end well for him.

 

“What the hell do you want you green haired freak?!” The pink haired freak yelled.

 

“Wanted to know if it’s okay if could borrow the house for a party this friday.”

 

“You don’t know enough people for there to be a party.”

 

“I wanted to know if I could invite eight people over for a get together with booze and probably pizza. Better?”

 

“Well what if I wanted to have a party that day, ever think of that?”

 

“I mean you can try, but Luffy’s gonna come over no matter what and eat all your food, I’ll drink all the booze, and Sanji’s going to fall over every girl there and that’s just the start.” Welcome to his friend group, they cannot be taken anywhere. “We’re mostly going to be in the living room and maybe the kitchen. I’ll deal with the mess in the morning.”

 

“That sounds like a lie, how do I know you’re telling the truth?”

 

“You do know you don’t own this house, and I’m just doing this to not be a dick? Because I could’ve just thrown this party and not told anyone.”

 

“What am I getting out of all of this?”

 

“Me warning you that there’s gonna be a party before hand.”

 

“I think you’ll owe me a favor.”

 

“No. This is just me telling you there’s a party now.” If she wasn’t standing in the way of the door he’d close it, so instead he’d just leave to go to Mihawk’s door. Zoro still wasn’t sure if Mihawk ever slept, and if he was asleep then it’d be a point in the ongoing question of “was his roommate/Iaido sensei/dad(?) a vampire” because while he didn’t believe in vampires, a lot of his friends believed it. And if there was one person who could make you believe a stupid thing was real, it’d be Luffy.

 

“Hold on! Where do you think you’re going!?” Perona said, despite him no longer giving a shit because he tried not to be a dick. He knock on the door and wait. Perona left her room to keep yelling at him. He stopped listening because it wasn’t worth it because it’d be like arguing with a brick wall now.

 

After a few seconds, the door opened. 

 

“I’m not resolving this fight for you. You are not children, you are adults. Use your words and keep a level tone.”

 

“I actually came to ask if it was okay with you if I had a few people over this Friday.”

 

“Don’t go over my head like this! I haven’t agreed to anything!”

 

“Perona, have you forgotten that this isn’t your call?” Mihawk asked, cementing Zoro’s point and giving him a little bragging rights in case this came up later.

 

“I can’t believe I got up for this!” He knew that sounded like a revenge plot happening, but he’s already accepted his fate. To be honest, he deserved it. He’d be doing the same thing her position. 

 

“So long is nothing is broken, the noise is kept to a minimum, and there is no mess after, you may.” 

 

“Thank you.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

They sat in the living room in silence. They all had to come to a conclusion, and nothing could start before they did. Zoro and Luffy were the only ones who were drinking, because they weren’t part of this discussion. Well it was more Zoro drinking, Luffy had a drink mostly for the sake of not being a part of this, even though drunk or not he was out of the running.

 

“Alright, so who’s gonna be our designated adult.” Zoro asked. 

 

Naturally they were all adults (except Chopper, who wouldn’t drink but he’d get just as rowdy as the rest of them despite being completely sober), but the designated adult was someone that would make sure things didn’t get too out of hand, so that put Luffy out of the running. There would be no repeat of that one time that they all got really drunk and Usopp got a tramp stamp. They were also usually the designated driver, and after the last incident where they were up until 6 the next morning trying to find everyone’s house, that Zoro was out of the running. This also meant Chopper was out, because his mom was usually responsible for picking him up.

 

“Well I was the adult last time, so it’s not me.” Usopp frowned, probably remembering last time he was stuck with the job. 

 

Zoro couldn’t help but snort a little when he looked around the room and saw everyone else touch their nose. And then the look on Usopp’s face.

 

“I’m not doing it twice in a row! That’s not fair! I thought we decided on no twice in a rows after Franky kept getting stuck with them.” Usopp argued.

 

“I dunno what you’re talkin about, bro. I think you’re just mad because you lost.”

 

“No I’m mad because there’s rules about this! Besides we didn’t even say we were doing it that way!”

 

“Well either way, Nami, Robin, and I all touched our noses first, it’s either Brook, Franky, or you.” Sanji leaned on the arm of the couch, his finger still on his nose.

 

“I think you mean either Brook or Franky. Because I did it last time so I’m out of the running.” Usopp elbowed Sanji’s vulnerable sides. Sanji faltered a bit, but then gave Usopp a subtle kick to the ankles. It was far too early in the evening for a fight to break out, so it was left at that. Probably because Usopp also knew that Sanji was mean and how it’d go bad quick. Didn’t stop him from sticking out his tongue at him when Sanji looked away. 

 

“I don’t think I should be the adult, I left my glasses at home so I shouldn’t be driving.” Brook joined in.

 

“That’s funny, because I don’t remember you ever saying anything about needing glasses to drive at any point that we’ve known you.” Franky quirked up an eyebrow up at the man.

 

“Well some of us don’t have young eyes anymore. I shouldn’t be driving without them.”

 

“That’s super weird because you’ve never said anything about them before.” 

 

“Well that’s because I don’t like talking about my age.” Brook crossed his arms. “I also feel like it should be mentioned that Robin didn’t touch her nose before I did.”

 

“Hey Zoro, it’s your birthday. So why don’t you choose who’s responsible for the evening?” Robin asked, dropping the task into his lap while he was mid sip.

 

“It’s my birthday, I don’t have to do anything.” 

 

“Yes, but I feel like it should be your decision. The sooner we pick, the sooner your party can start.”

 

“You’re forgetting that I’m free to drink as much as I want before you guys choose.” 

 

“How about I think of a number and the one furthest from the number has to be the adult.” Luffy suggested. Somehow a Luffy suggestion that probably wasn’t going to land anyone in jail. Everyone looked at each other, and kinda shrugged and nodded. 

 

“Three point one four.” Sanji said, going for pi right out of the gate.

 

“Nine.” Robin was going to go the sappy route, since there were nine of them.

 

“Twenty four.” He was pretty sure Nami just picked a random number.

 

“Twenty five.” Usopp said, going for a number better than twenty four.

 

“Four hundred and twenty.” Brook was making the rookie mistake of simply picking a funny number. 

 

“A thousand.” Franky picked, also going the sentimental route, but instead picking the number that was in the name they gave their party van. 

 

“It’s Franky. I was thinking of eight cause it’s the one that looks most like a snowman and I’m gonna make a drunk snowman tonight.” Yeah that sounded about right. 

 

Franky looked like he almost wanted to be mad about this, but he knew it was pointless. There was just no predicting Luffy. That’s just how life was and the sooner you accepted that fact the better off you were going to be. But at least now they could finally get the party started.

 


	4. Chapter 4

They did try to keep things subtle, at least while everyone else was still there. And while Zoro was pretty sure he was doing a good job keeping his advances towards Sanji pretty lowkey, he couldn’t be too sure that that was actually the case. He was pretty drunk at this point, so really he could be broadcasting this a lot more than he thought he was because there was something about alcohol that made it goddamn impossible to keep everyone from knowing you were making advances on someone.

 

Sanji was also pretty plastered, so who knew exactly how much of this he was picking up on and how much was just falling flat. So far waggling his eyebrows wasn’t working so well, because Sanji wasn’t paying attention to him, but rather the shitty movie they had put on to mock. 

 

Looks like he was going to have to try a different method. He simply pulled Sanji onto his lap. This got his attention as he looked up with equally bleary eyes. He was pretty sure that he was getting a look of confusion, but it also might’ve been drunk bedroom eyes. He was gonna set the record gay, in a sexy kinda way. 

 

“Once this is over we should have sex.” Zoro whispered into Sanji’s ear. This took all the attention off the movie and put it all on him. Take that you dumb movie. Sanji shifted around, so he could wrap his legs around Zoro’s waist. 

 

Sanji mumbled something he didn’t understand against the skin right below his ear. It was deep and sexy so it was probably some french dirty talk. The words were lost, but not the sentiment, because Zoro could barely wait for the movie to end.

 

Franky, who had been cuddling with Robin, got up. 

 

“I should probably start going around to see if anything was broken and deal with the messes.” Franky said, reminding Zoro that they could not in fact have couch sex, because he’d get his ass kicked if he got busted in the morning naked on the couch with his lover. Because there was no way either of them were going to be cleaning up anything after, because they were 100% going to fall asleep after they banged. 

 

“Down in front!” Luffy, who was probably sober but still an asshole, yelled at Franky, who stepped out of the way of the movie.  Even drunk, Zoro knew it was for the best Luffy didn’t help.

 

Sanji soon got bored of waiting, and started toying with Zoro’s earrings with his tongue. This movie was going to take forever. But who was to say he couldn’t get any revenge on him back?

 

While Sanji was preoccupied with the earrings, Zoro started to tangle his fingers into Sanji’s hair, as his other hand slid slowly down Sanji’s back, making tiny little wave patterns as he did so. Sanji tugged lightly on the earrings with his teeth before soon finding a better target, sliding down a touch and kissing Zoro’s neck.

 

Maybe it was the booze talking, but this was probably the sexiest thing that has ever happened to him, and goddamn this movie was taking too long. This was only keeping him from fucking his boyfriend at this point, he was pretty sure like 60% of them were too drunk to enjoy it anyways. Unlike how he was still 100% sober enough to fuck his boyfriend.

 

Sanji was going to make the bold move of sliding his hand down the front of Zoro’s pants. As much as it pained him to do so, Zoro had to stop Sanji’s hand from going any further. His fingertips so close to the prize, Sanji’s wrist was gently grabbed.

 

“Not yet.” Zoro whispered into Sanji’s ear. He knew that he was getting pouted at, but they’d both get the prize later. The prize was sex.

 

Sanji could at least get him back by tracing his fingers up Zoro’s abs, and nibbling his neck hard enough that Zoro knew he’d leave marks. It was a good thing Zoro was so good at being subtle, because he was positive his reaction went unnoticed.

 

Zoro was vaguely aware of the commotion around him, but he wasn’t paying attention. He was more focused on getting Sanji back. It was risky, because as he got drunker the more open and reactive to these things Sanji became, but Zoro couldn’t resist it. He’d make sure no one caught on.

 

He took this chance to bite at Sanji’s neck to mark him back. He felt Sanji’s hot breath against his neck as his breath hitched. It was quiet, so he was pretty sure that they just got away with it and no one was any the wiser.

 

“Hey, so the movie’s over so we’re gonna bounce, okay? Since there’s an extra seat we’re gonna give Chopper a ride home.” Franky said, having no idea what was happening. 

 

“Night.” They both said, taking a break from the other’s neck for a second. They waited for the sound of the door clicking shut, before they could really get going. 

 

This had been more than enough foreplay for Zoro, he was ready for this and he knew Sanji was too. 

 

So he picked him up, and headed straight for his bedroom.


	5. Chapter 5

The pushed through the bedroom door. They hadn’t even made it to his room yet, but already they were peeling the clothes off each other. Zoro had a lot more work to do, because Sanji’s clothes always seemed to be harder to take off, and he really wished that Sanji would wear less boner killing clothes but that was besides the point.

 

He was about to pin him onto his bed, when Zoro stopped dead in his tracks, dropping Sanji in the process. The sight was both sobering, and killed any desire he had to bone his boyfriend. He was vaguely aware of the sound Sanji made, but at this point he was too wrapped up in the scene before him.

 

They weren’t so old as they had wrinkles yet, but that was only from what he could tell from what wasn’t covered by a blanket. Words could not begin to cover how thankful he was for that blanket to have been there, but he knew all too well what those motions meant. 

 

What he saw before him was 100% old man sex. And the worst kind of old man sex because one of the participants was someone who was basically his dad. He didn’t even want to know he did those things, because he wanted him to be the quiet and stern old man who was always on his ass about doing his share of the chores and making sure he had his share of the rent on time. He was the adultiest adult here and he was supposed to be giving him life lessons or something, not in positions like this.   
  
“Mihawk?! Oh my god!! What the hell are you doing here? In my bed!?”

 

“Roronoa, would you like to take a close look around before you jump to any conclusions?” 

 

“I don’t want to hear about any concluding right now! And you better not in my bed!” They had stopped thrusting once Sanji had been dropped but he wasn’t taking any chances. He swore to god if he found anything this whole apartment was going up in flames he couldn’t actually deal with this mess. 

 

“I think I broke my dick!” Sanji grunted out, but Zoro had to deal with this mess. Shanks got up, Zoro looked away.

 

“Oh relax, we all got ‘em. It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal.” His friend’s nude dad said, scootching over to lean over the bottom of the bed to check out the damage that was done. Thankfully, enough of the blanket came with him. “Alright, you’re gonna have to pull your pants down.”

 

“What?! I’m not gonna do that you shitty pervert!” 

 

“Well I can’t see the situation down there if I can’t see it. Relax, champ, I’m not gonna do anything weird.” If it weren’t for the fact that half of the people in this room weren’t naked and that same half of people weren’t dads, Zoro would’ve taken the chance to mock Sanji for being called champ. But now was not the time. 

 

“Why should I trust you?!”

 

“It’s okay, I fucked a doctor once.” 

 

“Red hair that means nothing. Unless you fucked each other for eight years on a near nightly basis and they took the time to carefully explain everything before climax.” Mihawk answered as Zoro prayed for death that just wouldn’t come. 

 

“Just let me see, I’ve seen a broken dick of two in my time. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t do it in the shower anymore. If anyone could tell you what a broken dick looks like, it’d be me.” 

 

“Well I’m not letting you see it!”

 

“Oh my god, was I like this in my twenties? Not letting professionals help me when they know what they’re doing.”

 

“Yes, because I made you go to the hospital to get that-”

 

“Oh my god can we stop talking about this please! Can you gross old men please get out of my bed and out of my room? I don’t even want to fuck my boyfriend anymore I just wanna sleep on the floor and then burn my bed and replace it.”

 

“Roronoa, I can’t believe you still haven’t realized it yet.”

 

“Realized what? That for my birthday two old men fucked in my bed? Is a cake gonna come for me later and Perona’s going to jump out of it naked just to make my life ever more hell than it is?” This had to be up there in worst birthdays. Worse than the one a few years ago where he got really drunk and then woke up the next morning short an eye. He had so much stuff he had to clean and get rid of now.

 

“Roanoa this is my room. This is my room that you drunkenly stumbled into with your boyfriend.”

 

“Oh.”


	6. Chapter 6

 

God he wasn’t looking forward to breakfast the next morning. Sanji was still there so he knew the food was going to at least be good, but the atmosphere was going to be terrible. He was going to have to sit there across from two men he had just barged in on in the middle of them having sex, because he was too drunk on alcohol and lust to remember which room was his.

 

And it wasn’t like he could just sleep in. He could already smell breakfast because of course that bastard made breakfast. He couldn’t just let him sleep in the day after his shame. They didn’t even bang so he wasn’t sure why he was doing that other than to be a good guest. 

 

He was never going to get the image out of his head of them going at it. And he was cursed with the fact that his brain tried to fill in the gaps of what it looked like under and he wanted to actually die. His brain wasn’t on his side and he was going to have to drink to forget this awful and horrible sight that he had just saw. And now he had to go out there and look at those bastards. He had to look at them and not picture them fucking. He was never going to be erect again in his life and he had no one to blame but his own drunk and horny self.

 

The only way he could get out of bed was if he groaned his whole way onto his feet. It was going to be a long day, and he was going to have to find somewhere to fuck off to for a bit. Luffy wasn’t going to be any help, because knowing Luffy he’s probably caught them in the act and then said that there was pizza coming and that he needed to borrow some money.

 

He tried to think of who of his friends he could crash at their houses for a bit and have them understand how much it sucked to have your old old parent fuck someone and you see. It was tricky, because most of them didn’t have parents, or they were old old men themselves. Chopper was an option, but he didn’t deserve the mental image of old people sex. He was a med student and had awful things of his own to deal with.

 

That basically left him with just Ace. Luckily even though him and Luffy were brothers, Shanks was not Luffy’s dad. How Luffy had so many parental figures was a mystery no one was ever going to solve, because getting information from him was like pulling teeth out of a man coated in lube. It was impossible, because you could only do it if you knew the right questions and you never knew the right questions. Ace was a lot easier because he had one dad, and then his shared mom with Luffy and Sabo. He even had a dad older than his, so it’d be way worse for him to imagine. 

 

But now he was stalling. He had to get this over with, and he wasn’t going to be able to do this if he just lounged around in here all day. The sooner he did this, the sooner he could get the hell out of there. 

 

Of course, once he got out there, he saw that he was basically the last one out there. Sanji was there, and Mihawk and Shanks were already sitting at the table enjoying a cup of coffee. Perona was probably not going to be there. It was for the best because her being the closest thing he had to a sister didn’t stop Sanji from getting stupid all over her.

 

He sat at the table. 

 

“Sleep well last night?” Shanks asked. He wasn’t sure how Mihawk could be with anyone chatty like this. Zoro was positive no one in this house actually said a word to each other until three in the afternoon, but Shanks somehow didn’t get the message. He’d get a grunt back in response. 

 

“Guess last night was kinda weird. I kinda forget that not everyone’s as casual as we are about it. But sex is a very natural urge, and even once you’re old like Mihawk over here, that’s not going to change. Just remember to be safe about it. Even if something sounds like it might work like lube, don’t risk it.” Shanks lectured and Zoro just wanted to die again. 

 

“But it’s just in your bedroom when you’re over here right?” There was an uncomfortable silence.

 

“It’s perfectly normal to be adventurous with your sex.” Shanks responded.

 

“How much of the stuff have you done it on? The couch? We watch tv there, I sleep there sometimes!”

 

“The couch among other places”

 

“Oh my god can we not talk about this!” Sanji mumbled through his hands, that he now used to cover his face.

 

“Well I haven’t given Zoro these lessons yet, and Mihawk doesn’t talk about stuff like that, so who knows what kind of painful sex adventures you kids could go off on. But if you want to do painful that’s your own business. Just do it safe.”

 

“OH MY GOD SHANKS! WE’VE HAD SEX CAN YOU NOT CALL ME A KID!” Sanji yelled out of embarrassment, but what the hell did he mean that that had sex. 

 

“Well that was before I found out you were one of Luffy’s friends. Now it’s just kinda weird.”

 

“When was this?” Zoro jumped in. He needed to know how upset he was going to have to be about this situation.

 

“This was like two years during after that big fight we had and we broke up for a bit. I got mad and I kinda fucked Shanks.”

 

“No, tell the whole story. It’s better to get it all out in the open now then to have two fights about this.” Shanks interrupted.

 

“There’s more?!”

 

“It was kinda a three way with Mihawk also.”

 

He glared at Mihawk, who remained unflinching. 

 

“We were all adults in that situation, Roronoa. We were all perfectly capable of making our own choices. You don’t have to like them, but you do have to accept that we have the right to make them.”

 

“YOU BANGED MY BOYFRIEND BEFORE I DID!?” 

 

“Upon his request.”

 

He wasn’t sure who he was more upset with right now. All he really knew was that at this point he had to leave. If he stayed he was going to punch a hole in the wall or something. He had to get out of there. Fuck breakfast.

 

This was why he had a backup plan. He just stormed out of the room, ignoring the pastel goth blur that rushed back to her room to avoid being caught up in all this.

 

He was going to Ace’s.


	7. Chapter 7

After getting Zoro set up in the guestroom and putting his number in Zoro’s phone, Ace was gonna go off and do something. 

 

Just because Ace had someone living at his house right now, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t go off and do his own thing. Sure Zoro needed support, but sometimes support meant getting the fuck out of there so that he could have time to calm down. There was a lot of stuff going on in his life right now, and Ace being there to bug him about who did what and his thoughts on the matter would only get him punched and there to be more fights.

 

While Ace was a big supporter of getting things all out in the open so they could be dealt with, he also knew it wasn’t always the best answer. Sometimes that was just starting fights that didn’t need to happen, and if you didn’t know when to step back you’d be the one that they were mad at and nothing would actually get solved. With both physical and emotional experience, Ace knew better than to poke at a beehive.

 

Most of the reason he was out of the house was because he knew he was almost as bad as Luffy when it came to beehives, so Ace was out of the house for a bit. Dadan had texted him that she was getting ready for a second date. That was still gross, but at least she was happy. Probably meant that the guy was pretty okay, and that Ace didn’t have to break any kneecaps and that the cops would not have to be involved. 

 

He could probably drop by Marco’s place. It was getting later into the day, and Marco usually finished his work early and went back home by this point. He was like a brother to him ever since Ace started to hang around Pops, but there was no denying that Marco was kinda like a young old man. He got up as the same ungodly hour of six every morning, then he’d go and sleep at like ten. He was an absolute madman.

 

Luckily, it was not ten, so he could go and bother Marco for a bit. 

 

Marco would get mad if he pulled the same trick he used to pull when he was little and forgot his keys, so he’d have to settle with the ol credit card trick to jimmy the lock. Marco was too fancy to have his windows smashed. 

 

So Ace let himself in, then relocked the door behind him. He didn’t see Marco right away, so he decided to lay on the couch and wait, and probably not fall asleep. 

 

“Hey Ace, I got this cool new thing on my door have I showed you it yet?” Marco asked, wandering out of the kitchen. 

 

“No?”

 

“It’s called a doorbell. It’s this really neat thing where it lets me know when someone’s at my door so they don’t have to break in, yoi.” He walked over and flicked Ace’s forehead. 

 

“Mister fancy over here doesn’t want me breaking in through the windows or forcing open the lock.” 

 

“Yeah, I’m like the biggest weirdo here.” Marco sat down on the couch, making a point to sit on Ace’s legs. The joke was on him, because he didn’t care.

 

“So what brings you over?”

 

“Nothin, just bored and letting a buddy have some space at my house. Some bullshit relationship drama.” 

 

“That’s rough. But you couldn’t have warned me before hand that you were coming over?”

 

“I did some wandering a bit before deciding to come over. At least I’m better than Luffy. Because at least you’re someone I know.” If it weren’t for the fact Luffy was dangerously charismatic and strong, Ace would worry about him. But somehow Luffy was somehow just charming enough to make it through life alright and only sometimes get the cops called on him. 

 

“Which reminds me, Luffy was over a few days ago and ate all my ham and I’m holding your responsible.”

 

“I don’t know what to tell you other than watch your ham better. Luffy’s my brother, not my problem.”

 

“Yeah you’re still going to pay me back for the ham.” Marco trying to make him pay for the ham Luffy ate just reminded him of something. 

 

“Hey you think Pops would still accept my rent now before he’d start adding interest to it? I think I’m a few hours late. I got caught up in drama and forgot about it entirely.”

 

“Well it is your own damn fault for waiting until the last minute, but then again Pops is a nice guy so he might. He’s also on a date right now so you can’t.”

 

“It’ll probably be seven by the time I stop by the bank and go over there. He’ll be getting ready for bed by then and it’ll be fine.”

 

“If you say so, yoi.”

 

“By the way, did’ya get anymore ham yet?”


	8. Chapter 8

After getting Zoro set up in the guestroom and putting his number in Zoro’s phone, Ace was gonna go off and do something. 

 

Just because Ace had someone living at his house right now, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t go off and do his own thing. Sure Zoro needed support, but sometimes support meant getting the fuck out of there so that he could have time to calm down. There was a lot of stuff going on in his life right now, and Ace being there to bug him about who did what and his thoughts on the matter would only get him punched and there to be more fights.

 

While Ace was a big supporter of getting things all out in the open so they could be dealt with, he also knew it wasn’t always the best answer. Sometimes that was just starting fights that didn’t need to happen, and if you didn’t know when to step back you’d be the one that they were mad at and nothing would actually get solved. With both physical and emotional experience, Ace knew better than to poke at a beehive.

 

Most of the reason he was out of the house was because he knew he was almost as bad as Luffy when it came to beehives, so Ace was out of the house for a bit. Dadan had texted him that she was getting ready for a second date. That was still gross, but at least she was happy. Probably meant that the guy was pretty okay, and that Ace didn’t have to break any kneecaps and that the cops would not have to be involved. 

 

He could probably drop by Marco’s place. It was getting later into the day, and Marco usually finished his work early and went back home by this point. He was like a brother to him ever since Ace started to hang around Pops, but there was no denying that Marco was kinda like a young old man. He got up as the same ungodly hour of six every morning, then he’d go and sleep at like ten. He was an absolute madman.

 

Luckily, it was not ten, so he could go and bother Marco for a bit. 

 

Marco would get mad if he pulled the same trick he used to pull when he was little and forgot his keys, so he’d have to settle with the ol credit card trick to jimmy the lock. Marco was too fancy to have his windows smashed. 

 

So Ace let himself in, then relocked the door behind him. He didn’t see Marco right away, so he decided to lay on the couch and wait, and probably not fall asleep. 

 

“Hey Ace, I got this cool new thing on my door have I showed you it yet?” Marco asked, wandering out of the kitchen. 

 

“No?”

 

“It’s called a doorbell. It’s this really neat thing where it lets me know when someone’s at my door so they don’t have to break in, yoi.” He walked over and flicked Ace’s forehead. 

 

“Mister fancy over here doesn’t want me breaking in through the windows or forcing open the lock.” 

 

“Yeah, I’m like the biggest weirdo here.” Marco sat down on the couch, making a point to sit on Ace’s legs. The joke was on him, because he didn’t care.

 

“So what brings you over?”

 

“Nothin, just bored and letting a buddy have some space at my house. Some bullshit relationship drama.” 

 

“That’s rough. But you couldn’t have warned me before hand that you were coming over?”

 

“I did some wandering a bit before deciding to come over. At least I’m better than Luffy. Because at least you’re someone I know.” If it weren’t for the fact Luffy was dangerously charismatic and strong, Ace would worry about him. But somehow Luffy was somehow just charming enough to make it through life alright and only sometimes get the cops called on him. 

 

“Which reminds me, Luffy was over a few days ago and ate all my ham and I’m holding your responsible.”

 

“I don’t know what to tell you other than watch your ham better. Luffy’s my brother, not my problem.”

 

“Yeah you’re still going to pay me back for the ham.” Marco trying to make him pay for the ham Luffy ate just reminded him of something. 

 

“Hey you think Pops would still accept my rent now before he’d start adding interest to it? I think I’m a few hours late. I got caught up in drama and forgot about it entirely.”

 

“Well it is your own damn fault for waiting until the last minute, but then again Pops is a nice guy so he might. He’s also on a date right now so you can’t.”

 

“It’ll probably be seven by the time I stop by the bank and go over there. He’ll be getting ready for bed by then and it’ll be fine.”

 

“If you say so, yoi.”

 

“By the way, did’ya get anymore ham yet?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the mixup, I posted a chapter early oops
> 
> But the feeling still remains
> 
> Play with me in the space

 

Pops wasn’t the kind of guy to let him emotions influence his decisions. He would let how he felt toward that one person influence it, but never how he was feeling. Ace was someone that he liked, because he had taken him in as a son and was slowly teaching him to be business savvy. 

 

But being his son did not mean he was free from rent. Pops might have been the owner of the building, but that did not mean that he was just going to let him go without paying rent. He was being generous in letting Ace start off small by letting him run a small fast food place while he was still figuring out what to do. 

 

Even just thinking about it now, Ace couldn’t help but think it was hilarious. One year you’re working at one of those places, then next you’re owning one. He was getting a lot of coaching from Pops, but it was still wild just thinking about it.

 

Walking up to Pops’ place, he already knew he was going to get yelled at for putting it off to the last minute, but he was hoping that he’d let it slide just one last time. Then he wouldn’t put it off so long probably. But Ace was a man, he’d been yelled at before, and he’d be yelled at again. This wasn’t something he was too unfamiliar with.

 

Ace peeked into the garage, and just as he thought, Pops was home. He never stayed out late unless he had to, and even then he wasn’t happy about it. It wasn’t surprising that he was home already.

 

While Ace was already going to be yelled at, he knew it was best to probably not add breaking and entering to the list. He could just punch in the code and come in through the garage. He went to the pin pad and put in 0406, the same year Pops was born, and went in under the garage door as it opened. 

 

A small rush of nostalgia hit him as he raced the garage door just like he used to when he was little. But his legs were much longer now, and even if Pops had a bigger garage than Gramps, he still could beat it without needing to run. He waited at the door to the house as the garage door came to a stop at the top of the garage. He his the button again and headed inside. 

 

He took off his shoes, and nudged them into a corner by Pops’. He knocked down some other shoes, but that was fine. He was going to be in and out so he’d just set them upright on his way out. He wouldn’t even bother to take off his jacket.

 

Knowing Pops, he’d probably be getting ready for bed at this hour. So that meant that he’d be in his bedroom, or the bathroom that hooked onto the bedroom with those sweet master bedroom perks.

 

Pops didn’t really keep the door to his room closed, seeing as he didn’t really live with anyone. And seeing how it was old person late he’d just pull out his wallet so he could give the cash and get out of there so his pops could sleep.

 

But the closer he got, the more weird sounds he was hearing. Maybe he had dropped something behind his dresser, and this was important so he had to move it then. He had to be moving something, that’d be the only reason he’d make sounds like that.

 

He’d pick up the pace a little. He knew that Pops wouldn’t be too happy about Ace offering help, but he’d be there if he wanted it. He was getting up there in years, but he was still a proud man, and he’d just get upset if he offered to help. 

 

He got to his bedroom, and his brain just kinda froze for a second as he took in the scene in front of him. 

 

That was definitely his mom, and that was definitely pops. And they were most certainly naked. 

 

This was the man Dadan was dating? She was dating his Pops this whole time? And Pops didn’t tell him either and he was dating her? So those noises weren’t-

 

And those shoes were-

 

The sheer amount of shock of taking in the scene in front of him made every bit of Ace’s body go limp. A fucking cataplectic episode and all he could do was hope that he’d fall on his face so he wouldn’t see anything if this was a long one, because he didn’t want to see anything, and he knew that if he ended up falling wrong there was nothing that he could do to save himself.

 

If he could’ve torn his attention away from this traumatising scene, he would’ve noticed it happening and he could’ve rigged his falling to his benefit so he wouldn’t have accidentally seen more than he meant to.

 

But here he was, falling and putting his life into fate’s hands. He’s been doing a lot better as a person, so hopefully fate would at least give him this one so that he’d be spared from seeing more parental nudity than he had already seen.

 

While it hurt like a bitch, and he was probably going to bleed on Pops’ nice carpet, Ace probably had never been happier in his life to have landed on his face during a cataplectic episode. 


	10. Chapter 10

 

The thing about cataplexy was that while it could hit pretty hard and suddenly, it didn’t last that long. He was basically out of it during the time it had took them to notice and scramble to get dressed. At least that’s what he was hoping he was hearing, because he was still hearing grunts, just in a more frantic way.

 

He was also well aware that his nose was bleeding. He knew it was going to when he was falling, because that’s just how noses were. If you fell on them they bled. It had to be the most dramatic part of his face because it wasn’t even that had a fall.

 

Before he’d even try to get up, he’d test out the little things like he always did. First he’d wiggle his toes, then his fingers, and then he could actually try and move. Probably didn’t have to, but that’s just the way things had to be. 

 

This time before he got up, he’d cover his eyes because he wasn’t risking seeing anything now that he knew what was going on. It was probably fine if he just let his nose bleed. He’d pull his head back a little so he’d just bleed on his jacket. It probably needed to be washed anyways. 

 

“Ace we’re dressed, you don’t have to do that.” Pops told him, as he was going to assume that he was pulling tissues to cover Ace’s bloody nose. He could pull his hands away, but there was also a part of his brain that tried to tell him that they weren’t and they were still naked because even that brief second was enough to burn into his brain forever.

 

“Oh my god what’s even going on?” He’d blindly stumble over to the bed and move his hand so that the one was covering both eyes so he could grab for the tissue. Pops instead put the tissues over his nose for him, then went to wipe off the jacket with more. The second time he felt like he was taken back to his childhood, because Dadan would do this to him because there was a 100% chance he would’ve just kept bleeding on her world. 

 

“You’re twenty one, my boy. I didn’t think I’d need to explain to you what sex is.” 

 

“Pops I know what sex is! I mean here! With like you guys!” His voice was coming out a lot screechier than he had meant it to. 

 

“Ace, just because I’m old, doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a beautiful woman.”

 

“Oh my god this is the fucking pits.”

 

“Ace you be nice to your mother. She’s a wonderful and beautiful woman.” 

 

“Why didn’t either of you tell me this was happening?” Thinking about his parents, who he thought didn’t even know about each other doing sex to each other was the actual pits.

 

“I’m not going to tell you every time I engage in-”

 

“NO I MEANT DATING OH MY GOD” He was gonna sit down just in case he had another episode, he could hold his own tissue.

 

“Well your mother and I just started dating last night, it went so well that we had a dinner date today. I only just found out over dinner that she was the woman that raised you.”

 

“Raised is generous, him and his brothers fucked off every chance they got.” Dadan finally added, he could still hear the mortification in her voice.

 

“But with that out of the way, what were you even doing out so late, my boy.” Pops asked

 

“I was just coming over to pay my rent.” He was going to have to make a choice. Was it going to be letting go of the tissue, or did he move his hand from his eyes and squeeze his eyes shut really tight.

 

Who was he kidding, he already knew it was going to be the tissue. He fished around in his pockets, because which fucking one was it in. Pops had taken it upon himself to hold the tissue in place. Probably for the sake of the carpet.

 

“Now Ace, you do know that this was due this morning, right?”

 

“I know, but some stuff came up with a buddy and that was a huge mess.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was part of it. The other part was he forgot and then slept in.

 

“I gave you a week to bring it in, and I know there was an incident this morning but you shouldn’t wait until the last minute to do things.” Dammit. “But I’ll let it slide this last time.” 

 

“Thanks Pops you’re th-”

 

“He’s always been like this, Newgate. If you’re not strict with him he’s never gonna learn and it’s just going to keep happening.” Dadan interrupted. 

 

There was silence as Pops pondered this over. 

 

“Your mother’s right. I’ve let you get away with this too many times in the past. I’m going to have to put on the late fee.” Dammit. 

 

He tossed up his wallet onto Pops’ bed. He’d get a new wallet, because this one was now tainted by old man taint. He trusted Pops to take out the right amount. At least it wasn’t that much.

 

Pops passed it back down, and it went into his pocket. 

 

“Alright, I’m gonna go. You guys can get back to doing whatever.” If it was anyone else, he’d’ve said each other instead of whatever.

 

“You be careful out there. Do you want a ride home?” Pops offered, but really Ace just needed to get away from him for a bit to get rid of the lingering sights he had seen.

 

“Nah, Marco’s already gonna give me a ride.” Well he was going to now. 

 

“Alright, I’ll see you later.”

 

“Bye Pops, bye Dadan.”

 

Dadan didn’t answer, she was probably too mortified, but he couldn’t blame her. That was the fucking pits.


	11. Chapter 11

Marco wasn’t too happy about having to drive Ace home. He wouldn’t  have had to if it weren’t for the fact that Pops lived so far away and that Ace was worried about thinking about it and just collapsing on the street. It was a far way and it was 100% going to happen and he knew it. His brain wasn’t trustworthy enough to not do it to him.

 

The drive was quiet and uncomfortable. He’d tell Marco about this later, but there was someone that he had to tell this to first. Even before any of his brothers. Because while he wanted them to also be in the same gross and nasty boat as he was, there was someone who was already in that boat with him. 

 

He already knew Marco was going to ask about this later, because he was never this quiet ever, and he didn’t even get a proper bye. He knew that Marco knew that something was up, but he was going to have to wait because he had to work his way up this mess.

 

Disregarding what he had said before about giving space, he was just going to Luffy his way into Zoro’s room. There was nothing short of his Gramps that Zoro could do to top the traumatic sights he had already saw this evening. 

 

Luckily, Zoro was just on his bed on his phone, with Luffy sprawled across the foot of the bed eating chips. It was fine that Luffy was there. He could be part of this hell sooner than Ace had planned.

 

“You’re never going to believe what the fuck just happened.”

 

“Did that racoon by Dadan’s die?!” Luffy asked, Ace must’ve been more mortified than he thought he looked.

 

“No Rings is still fine. But I’m gonna say this is way way worse.”

 

“Impossible but go on.” Zoro looked at both of them baffled. He’d tell him about Rings, the series of racoons that him, Sabo, and Luffy had been watching in the alleys near Dadan’s place since they were little.

 

“I caught Dadan with her new boyfriend.”

 

“Who is it?” Luffy asked

 

“My Pops, and I found out because I caught them having sex.” Zoro’s face scrunched up in disgust.

 

“That’s gross!” Luffy said before laughing about it. If only Ace could divorce words from thoughts that well. He was forever stuck with that hell image for the rest of his life.

 

“Were they at least mostly under a blanket?” Zoro asked.

 

“Nope.”

 

Zoro got up, and placed his hands on Ace’s shoulders.

 

“That’s rough buddy. At least Mihawk and Shanks were mostly under a blanket.”

 

“You’re welcome for that. Shanks does that cause I kept walking in on him.” Luffy boasted. Ace suddenly felt a little bad for Shanks, because he knew that there were attempts to lock doors, and that he knew that tha wouldn’t stop Luffy, not even at a young age. And that was partially Ace and Sabo’s fault, because they were really bad at remembering keys so they just learned to work around locks.

 

“So yeah, I think that might be the worst thing I’ve ever seen, because I don’t think there’s gonna be anything to top that ever.” Ace admitted, instantly regretting it because he saw that look on Luffy’s face. That face he made when he was going to go above and beyond as an asshole and say something truly awful.

 

“What if next time you caught them doing kinky sex things to each other.”

 

“Luffy Dadan’s your mom too what the fuck!”

 

“I can ignore that because its grossing you out!”

 

“Yeah but she’s still your mom too!!”

 

“Yeah but seeing you yucked out like this makes it worth it.” Ace threw up his hands, because he knew that this was a fight he wasn’t going to win, 

 

“Also Luffy has the upper hand on you, because I think he’s been walking in on his dad doing it for years I think he’s just numb to it.”

 

“He’s a little shit is what he is.”

 

“Yep!” Luffy said proudly. Ace would think of something awful to do to him later for revenge.

 

But for now he’d admit defeat. This was a lost battle, but he wasn’t going to lose the war.

 

He hoped that Luffy saw someone worse having sex. Then he’d understand.


	12. Chapter 12

As per tradition, they’ve let a few days pass between Zoro’s party and Nami’s. Her’s was the day after his, but they had learned that they needed to space these things out better. Robin, Franky, and Brook were all old, so they couldn’t just get wasted two days in a row without being really really hungover. It was funny, but they’ve taken anti Luffy measures to keep him out of their places while they were recovering, so it was boring.

Right now it was one of the few times Nami let people into her house and not charge them. Or at least one of the few times that Luffy was allowed in without an entry fee. She wasn’t as good a sport as everyone else was when it came to him visiting them via crime. She was kinda a baby, but he wouldn’t say that out loud because it was her birthday and he didn’t have a lot of extra money to spend.

They were gonna pregame a bit before they headed to the club. At least him, Nami, and Usopp were. Chopper was only allowed to drink booze if they kept it in the house, but they’d bust him if they caught him in the club and drunk. That’s what made him a good designated adult. Robin, Franky, and Brook were old so they had to pace themselves like the elderly they were.

There was only so much pregaming you could do before you were just gaming, and also everyone else was ready and if Nami was ready that basically meant it was time to go. She impatiently tapped her foot on the ground.

“I swear to god, if those two are late for the reason I think they’re late, I’m gonna end them both.” Nami paced, keeping an eye on the door for the two disheveled idiots to stumble in. “I’d expect a thing like this from Zoro, but Sanji’s something else entirely! He’d never be late for something like this.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys that they’re having a fight right now and that Zoro’s staying at Ace’s house. So neither of ‘em are coming.” Zoro told him to pass along the message that he wasn’t gonna be there, and Sanji wanted him to fill everyone in.

“Are you sure that’s what happened? Because last time we saw them literally days ago they were on each other’s laps waiting for us to leave because they were booze horny.” Franky raised an eyebrow at him

“I dunno. How am I supposed to keep track of when and why those two fight. I saw them fight over who was gonna pay the bill before. I’m not their dads.” It was impossible to keep track of all the stupid stuff those two fought over. Fighting was their thing. Luffy wasn’t gonna yuck their yums. Most their fights were fun to watch anyways.

“Luffy, one of them is living in your brother’s house right now. These are your friends! Could you pretend to care?!” Nami grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him a bit. He still didn’t see what the big deal was.

“They fight all the time! That’s their thing! Why does it matter if they’re my friends? Picking fights with each other is what makes them happy so I let ‘em do it.” It’s called being a good friend. He could be that sometimes.

“Once again, one of them is living in your brother’s house. This one doesn’t sound like one of their stupid ones. At least try to be a good friend and care about their problems.”

“Then how come you didn’t know they were having a big fight and I had to tell you.” His smug look got validation when everyone else went “oooooh”. It was a mistake on his end to say that, but at least he was gonna die right and along side a good chunk of his friends.

“Well for one, between not answering his phone ever and being as hard to track down as you are, Zoro’s hard to check in on. And Sanji won’t tell me anything that’s wrong ever sober since I’m a girl and he’s an ass with a chivalry code from the 1700s.” The “ooooh”s were now against him. They were only doing this since this was Nami’s birthday party. It still made the “oooh”s hurt though.

“Do better.” Zoro wasn’t that hard to find if you were looking for him. Sometimes Luffy even came across him when he wasn’t looking for him. Some of those times Sanji came across him too but that wasn’t the point. The point was Nami wasn’t trying hard enough and that was her own fault.

“Whatever. It’s not gonna be as fun if we’re not all here, so we might as well reschedule for when they’re back together. But since this is still my unofficial day, I’m deciding where we’re gonna go from here.” This sounded like this was going to turn into Luffy shaming. Jokes on all of them because Luffy was born without shame and that turned what they were gonna plan into attention.

“We need to gather up information, and then regroup here and figure out where to go from there.” That sounded boring. “Sanji’s gonna need a man to talk to him, and Zoro’s gonna need someone emotionally soft that can guilt him into talking if he keeps his mouth shut.”

“Let ‘em sort it out themselves. If they wanted our help they would’ve asked for it.” Well not Sanji to a lady, because he was sure that he’d sooner die than let that happen, but Zoro hasn’t brought it up at all when they hung out in his room so it must not’ve been that big a deal.

Wait a moment… He did remember what the fight was about. They did talk about it some. “Hey guys! I know why they’re fighting!” All eyes stuck to him as he absorbed all the attention. He’d bask in it for a moment because this was power he rarely had over anyone and wanted to soak it all in.

“Well, what is it!?”

“I’m not telling! Shishishi!”

He was kicked out of the apartment by way of thrown folding chair. But if you asked him, it was definitely worth it. Because he had all the information right now, and this might be their funniest fight yet.


	13. Chapter 13

So word got around pretty fast about how Sanji and Zoro got in a big fight. Them getting in fights wasn’t new, but the emotional element was pretty unexpected. Normally Usopp would have guess that it was Zoro who wronged Sanji, given how he was born without the ability to put things nicely and was blunt about everything. Sanji wasn’t really winning any prizes either when it came to talking to men, but Usopp knew he could at least fake it a little.

He’d use the knowledge he’s gathered of his friends over these past few years to form a hypotheses. Luffy told him that there was relationship drama between them and that Zoro was staying at Ace’s house right now. Sanji and Zoro didn’t live together, so that must’ve meant that Sanji had kicked Zoro out of his own home. It was impossible to argue with Sanji once he got all fired up like that, so Zoro must’ve accepted it because he deserved it.

Fortunately for both Sanji and Usopp, he was a good friend who when over to see how his friends were doing. He had ice cream because name one food you could cry into better as you ate your feelings. There was none, it’s been proven by science. They’d cry and eat ice cream, and then feel better by then end of this and he’d decide what to do with Zoro once they got all the feelings out of the way.

He’d text Sanji that he was here, because telling someone that you’re there to cry with their son felt like a really awkward thing to say and he never knew where anyone outside their friend group was at any given time. It was times like these where he wished he was like Luffy, and just called everyone’s parents or designated adults by their first names. It’d be so much easier for him in the long run. Unfortunately he was still a large elementary student at heart.

“Hey, what’s up.” Usopp held up the bags and some spoons he had remembered to grab from home on his way over.

“I need you to catch me up on what’s happening.” Sanji narrowed his eyes at him, but let him in. These emotional walls were going to come crumbling down in no time.

The first thing he forgot was how glad that Sanji’s dad was always on his case about smoking in the house, and how Sanji’s room had a window. Usopp knew that if it wasn’t for that window that he’d feel like he was sitting in an ashtray.

“So I need to hear all the details. What happened?” There was no way around what he had absorbed from Luffy was bad. If you could gleam that much from Luffy information, then it was gonna be devastating. “I have ice cream if you need to cry.” Usopp knew damn well he had the tissues here already. No dick having person didn’t. Especially someone who was as horny as Sanji.

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m not gonna cry about it.” He was putting on a brave face for him, he could tell. “It’s kinda a long story, but the gist of it is that I slept with Mihawk and Shanks during our break up last year. He’s rightfully mad at me. It’s a shitty thing I can’t take back.”

“You and Mihawk?” He was hearing that right, wasn’t he? Sanji didn’t pull that move did he? Usopp had so much faith in him and then he goes and does a thing like that? “What do you mean you slept with Mihawk?”

“It means he put his cock in my ass. I don’t know what else to tell you. I was pissed off and wanted to hurt Zoro as much as he hurt me. It was stupid, but I can’t go back and unfuck him no matter how badly I want to.” He said like that made anything better.

“That’s like sleeping with his dad! Why would you sleep with his dad?!” It was beyond deplorable! It was absolutely heinous how could he just do a thing like that to another man?! And to one that he loved.

“I just fucking said it was awful! You think I was under the goddamn impression that I’d have people throwing themselves and flowers at my feet praising my genius and lusting after my cock? I was nineteen, pissed off and horny do you think I knew a single goddamn thing about anything back then? I know I fucked up.”

“And to think I was going to share my ice cream with you.” Sanji rolled his eyes like this wasn’t that big a deal.

“Usopp, this is between me and Zoro. It’s my job to fix this. This isn’t your relationship so this is none of your goddamn business.” Sanji verbally pushed him away, looking like he might also upgrade that to physically doing it too. Usopp wasn’t afraid of him. He had the power of righteous fury on his side.

“It’s my business that one of my friends is hurt and the other is making the worst possible life choices! What the hell even, Sanji?” He should’ve known better that to trust Luffy based info. He should’ve poked at Zoro or else this would’ve never happened.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that I was also dating you.”

“And Mihawk I guess.” That was a line that shouldn’t have been crossed, because while Sanji looked like he was starting to get fired up, he got quiet again.

“This conversation is over. Go meddle in someone else’s shitty relationship, and leave me to fix this.” He was now being forcefully removed from Sanji’s house. His grip was really strong, and as mad as he had been at him before, Usopp wasn’t going to try and fight free. What he had said might’ve been true, but it was unnecessary. That was his bad.

He was tossed out of the house with the ice cream still in the bag. That didn’t go as planned at all. Usopp stared down at the ice cream that was slowly melting in their containers.

Maybe Zoro needed this emotional vulnerability right now. He definitely got the worst end of the stick here.


	14. Chapter 14

Sometimes you needed to listen to your gut instinct and not jump to conclusions based on Luffy information. There were always huge holes in there that he didn’t tell you about, and it usually screws you over if that’s all you’re going off of in the long run.

So he’d do this a little differently, and go check on Zoro. He wasn’t in his house, and even if what he could gleam from Luffy’s message was right, Zoro would tell him how he fucked up. Franky knew that even in trouble, Zoro was a trustworthy dude. That was one of the best things he had going for him.

Ace’s place was a pretty solid go to spot for all of them. It was one of Luffy’s main places to crash, so it was somewhere that they all knew fairly well. It kinda made sense that this was where Zoro would’ve gone to when exiled from his own pad. It still seemed a little weird, but it was something that happened in their friend group so at this point Franky was used to it. Now if he had gone to Luffy’s grandpa’s house, that’d be a different story.

Franky was always felt a little wrong just barging into Ace’s house like this. He never really locked his door because everyone knew better after that time Ace chased someone out of his home and into the snow with nothing but a pipe and his whole situation out for all to see. It wasn’t like he wasn’t known to those people before, but it certainly cemented his reputation. Franky knew he wouldn’t threaten him with a weapon, but even with Zoro there he was still worried about seeing his whole fruit basket.

Even if it was Luffy’s brother, it still felt weird. He wasn’t sure what the divide between seeing Luffy’s junk and his brother’s was, but it was certainly there. But regardless, he’d head over to the guest room. He’d avoid looking into any other rooms just in case.

“Hey Zoro, it’s Franky. Can I come in?” He couldn’t imagine he was in a great mood. He could faintly hear what sounded like spa music from in there, which kinda made him wonder if someone else hadn’t taken the room and that Zoro was back at his own place.

But the door soon opened and Zoro stood there in jammies that kinda looked stolen from Ace. Oof… It must’ve been a while then. “Yeah?”

“Wanted to see how you were doing. Kinda wondering how you got kicked out of your own place. It’s not like Sanji lives there or can kick you out if he’s mad at you.” Might as well get straight to the point. Zoro wasn’t the type of dude that had patience for beating around the bush.

“You’re right. He can’t. I left of my own free will. I didn’t wanna look at Mihawk right now.” Mihawk? He thought that this was about Sanji. Didn’t they have a fight?

“You wanna explain that Mihawk part?” He wasn’t going to let Zoro Luffy him. Even if he was upset, that wasn’t something that you could do to someone.

“Well Sanji and him fucked after our big fight two years ago, and so I don’t want to look at him right now.” Oh ho ho boy he could tell this was a doozy of a fight. This was something that he almost didn’t wanna poke at further.

“That’s rough buddy.” He’d give Zoro a pat on the shoulders. It wasn’t easy knowing someone you loved fucked your dad. Especially if it was a spite fuck like it sounded. “So you gonna move out of your place then?”

“No, I’ll be back soon enough. It’s not like it was Mihawk’s fault. He wouldn’t have known. I’ll go back once I’m done being pissed off.” That was fair enough. Zoro was a reasonable kind a guy, and it kinda pissed him off that Sanji would’ve done this to him. Fight or not, it was a super uncool thing to do. He’d be sure to have a talk with him later about this. He probably already knew, but it was something that couldn’t be said enough. Especially after all this.

“You holdin up alright? Must be a rough little bit for you. And right after your birthday too.” He’d almost like to know how in the hell that was even brought up, because they were on the verge of sex having before they left them that night. Something changed after they left. “He didn’t say the wrong name in bed, did he?”

“We didn’t even get that far. I stumbled into the wrong bedroom and caught Mihawk and Shanks fucking in Mihawk’s room then both me and Sanji were too mortified to fuck. Sanji let the cat out of the bag at breakfast when Shanks called him champ or something and then they made him tell the whole story.” Zoro shrugged. “Can’t say I’m upset with ‘em about it. Like I said, not like they knew. Shanks even said he was skeeved out once he knew he was with one of Luffy’s friends.”

That was definitely something at least. Franky bet that was the last time Shanks slept with some young piece of ass. Must’ve been rough given how Luffy made friends with basically everyone. “So what’s the plan from here?”

“Well, probably not gonna stay here for too much longer. If I do then I know Perona’s gonna get in there and ruin my set up. As for Sanji, we’ll see. I mean this was two years ago and when we were split up. If anyone should be pissed it’s Mihawk and Shanks. They were the ones that got used for revenge. So if he asks, tell him I’ll think about it if he also apologizes to them too.”

He had a feeling that there might’ve been more that he wasn’t going to open up about, but this was also Zoro. This could be a case of him giving him one more chance, but knowing if he does it again he will cut Sanji loose forever. They had a lot of fights and broke up over stupid stuff, but this was an actual issue this time. This wasn’t a petty issue that they’d be over in a few days. This was something that they were gonna have to talk about.

Their attention went over to the door as it slammed open, and Usopp was there with a bag in his hands and out of breath. “I heard what happened and I brought ice cream!”


	15. Chapter 15

It happened every now and again, but it was always such a pain in the butt. He hung out at so many places that sometimes he ordered food to the wrong house. It usually wasn’t that bad because he could just get whoever was there to hold onto his food for him and he’d pay ‘em back for it.

But he knew his food wasn’t safe there. This was somewhere that he knew no one would be there to stop the worst from happening. At least with Ace’s place he knew that Zoro would save him some of his food right now, but Gramps was not as kind. He would eat his food without hesitation and he’d eat every last bite of it. He was a bastard and it was probably revenge for the years that Luffy had done it to him. Still wasn’t fair at all though.

Flip flops were neither meant for snow nor running, but there were things in life that were more important than your feet. And if getting his pizza before his grandpa meant that he lost a few toes that was okay with him. Not a single slice would be lost to that old man menace today!

Naturally, he couldn’t just go in through the front door. That’d direct attention to himself and get him stuck in a long conversation about how he should join the law enforcement and watch as Gramps’d basically swallow every piece of the pizza he didn’t even order whole. He couldn’t let that happen. Not again.

Windows were easy enough to get open. He’d climb in though there and head towards the counter. Gramps was loaded so what was one pizza theft? The box sat nicely on the counter, seemingly undisturbed. This seemed almost too easy. Pizza at Gramps was never this easy.

Luffy gave a quick look around the room, before rolling towards the counter where the box sat. No one was around but rolling like that made him feel like he was in a spy movie, and that was cool as hell. He’d slowly lift the lid, he’d hold onto the hope that there was still pizza in that box. He peeked inside the little crack to see the damage, ready for heartbreak.

But opening the box revealed that the pizza was almost completely whole. There was a couple pieces missing, but overall this was a win for him. He’d take a piece and start shoving it into his mouth. The victory over his grandpa made it that much tastier. Plus the roll to grab it also helped. Those made everything better.

Luffy looked around, ready to gloat at his grandpa for the loss of the pizza, but he was nowhere to be found. It was weird because he had to be around somewhere, because there was a piece missing. He had to know that he lost the whole pizza, or else it wasn’t as fun. He did think that this could very well be a trap. And this was how he was gonna trap him in a cop chat. Joke’s on him because he had the pizza and wasn’t giving it up without a fight, and there was no way he was gonna be able to hear anything he said while pizza was happening.

Maybe he had eaten before pizza, and all he could cram in was a little slice and then he had to go lay down. It was a beginners mistake that Luffy could barely believe that his grandpa would pull. But he was also like dinosaur old, so maybe his stomach couldn’t fit as much food in it as it used to. Luffy hoped he wouldn’t get old like that, that’d be worse then death.

Luckily he had a grandpa who was older than death who he could brag about how much food he can eat to. Luffy’d grab a slice to eat and taunt him, it’d be so great and it was gonna be the best pizza he’s ever eaten.

He kicked open the door and it took a little bit for him to figure out exactly what was going on. This was something that he was sure he had seen Shanks do, but it was different when Shanks did stuff like that because he was really good at knowing that Luffy was there. Plus Shanks wasn’t a thousand years old.

It was a scene that he had to piece together in slacked jaw horror for his brain to force him to put this all together. He saw some candles that smelled kinda like some dumb flower or something. That was a good place to start. Maybe Luffy had been all wroung about this. Because those didn’t seem very Grampa thing to do, unless he took a devastating dump in his bathroom that the smell wouldn’t be contained. So far not too bad. He heard grunts too, so maybe these were preemptive candles. Gramps needed more places to go because sometimes you just had to leave because all this was a lot of work.

The last thing he saw put everything into a much grosser context that his body couldn’t support itself any longer. Luffy was willfully trying to remove himself from the situation mentally but looking at it was like looking into the sun. A gross, thrusting, wrinkly sun. There was no trying to explain away the unavoidable truth of his Grandpa handcuffed to the bed as the equally old police chief in the top part of his uniform and hat was balls deep in him.

He kinda wished that he would’ve landed on his head in the fall, but the carpet cushioned the blow so this was gonna stick with him for who knew how long. His body was numb and his mouth was full of pizza that saw his grandpa’s wrinkly old wiener and jewels. It soured in is mouth almost as fast as his body hit the floor. For once in his life, meat lovers was a bad choice.

This had better not mean that he was gonna think of his grandpa’s wiener every time he ate pizza. Pizza never did him dirty like that before. His favorite kind might be ruined forever but there were still other kinds. There might still be hope.

“Great you’re both like this, fantastic.” The Chief grumbled. Luffy was glad that his angle had changed and that he was now staring at the ceiling instead of the bed. It was way better this way. He had already seen one wrinkly wiener today, and while it was the worst one he could see, he didn’t really wanna add another one to the list.

He could hear stuff moving, and he was getting worried that he was gonna have to see another wrinkly wiener whether he liked it or not. But he was soon picked up and he had never been happier to see grandpa jeans in his life. “Kids these days don’t understand privacy. You’re supposed to knock before entering a bedroom.”

This kind of lecturing wasn’t fair. He was a hostage in his own body. Though he was starting to feel a little bit in his arms and legs by the time he was deposited on the couch. “I’ll go deal with your grandfather and I’ll be down to check on you in a bit.”

“Dun talwk abou dealin wif my grannba.” His mouth kinda worked. That meant he could basically leave.

“Don’t be gross, son.” The geezer disappeared almost instantly as the couch did a great job of hiding him.

Luffy’d give it a few minutes of toe and finger wiggling before he had decided he was good to go and bolted out the window he came from. He couldn’t wait to get out of this completely. If he did then he’d have to confront Chief Grandpafucker.

They could keep the pizza.


	16. Chapter 16

Zoro was a pretty chill guy to hang out with. They were hanging out in the living room watching whatever on tv. He had the odd snide comment, but mostly he was relaxing to hang out with. Ace would have to remind himself later to steal Luffy’s friend. Maybe Sanji’s man, but they’d see how this all played out before Ace’d even think about that.

He was the kind of guy that you could safely nap around and Ace could respect that. He was only sometimes that guy, but he could still appreciate someone who wasn’t like him from time to time. Unlike awful asshole brothers who will not be names or trusted with markers. Maybe he could talk him into moving in permanently.

His thoughts about stealing Zoro to be the ultimate roommate were cut short by Luffy throwing himself in through the window like a brick. Unsurprising, but the door was unlocked and Luffy had a key anyways. If he lost his key again he was gonna have to pierce it onto his body somehow and hope he didn’t tear it off.

“Luffy I swear to god you had better not’ve lost your key.” He’d make a threatening fist motion at him, knowing full well Luffy knew that Ace would punch his teeth in.

“Ace I can’t eat pizza anymore.” Luffy responded to a seemingly unasked question from the floor he had yet to get up from. Luffy didn’t say things for no reason. There was probably something that connected those two things.

“What, you eat your key or something?” Zoro grunted. Ace hadn’t even considered that. How had he not and most importantly how had Luffy not already done that before?

“I’m breaking every single bone in your body if you ate that key, twerp. Those cost money you know!” He couldn’t keep buying keys for this asshole. It was a symbolic gesture of him being part of this house too, and if he lost it he wasn’t getting another one. Ace wasn’t spending another cent replacing dumbassery.

“What are you guys even talking about? My key’s in my room.” Luffy said, like it was the most obvious thing ever. As Luffy does.

“Then where the hell does pizza come in?” Luffy answers came at the price of him treating you like an idiot for things you couldn’t possibly know. Ace held onto the fact that he could still kick Luffy’s ass if he was getting too out of line.

“I was talking about my more important issue.” It was only maybe, because Luffy was probably just being melodramatic over something stupid.

“You never explained why you can’t eat pizza anymore.” Because it wasn’t key eating, so it must’ve been something else equally as stupid, and something that he’d 100% expect of Luffy.

“It’s super gross, so I hope you’re ready for it.” There was a fifty fifty chance that this was either nothing, or it was the actual worst. Ace was gonna roll the dice and hope not to get fucked over.   
  
“Fine. But at least get on the couch or something. Don’t just lay where you threw yourself in.” He launched himself into the house like it was a thing to do and then did nothing about it. It felt like something was off. It was a feeling in his gut he couldn’t ignore.

Luffy’d groan at the request, but he’d still get up. His arms flopped around, and it was hard to tell if that was him being a big baby about this, or if there was actually something up. He’d hope for the latter. He threw himself at Zoro, who looked like someone who was used to stuff like this. It was the fate they all had to share, but Ace felt both rejected and relieved that Luffy didn’t pick him.

“Alright, so I accidentally ordered my pizza to gramps’s place, so I snuck into his house to steal it back.” So he must’ve got a really bad cop lecture then, probably some long winded rant about how breaking in is bad unless your a cop and your boys live there, and how you shouldn’t steal food from the elderly or something. Not the worst if you weren’t a big baby about it.

“And then I saw grandpa tied to his bed and bangin the police chief guy while the pizza was in my mouth and I saw grandpa’s wrinkly wiener.” Ace clued in at absolutely the worst time. This was his fault for wishing this on Luffy. He was a fool to think that this wasn’t gonna come back and bite him in the ass. Luffy was the kind a guy to make you suffer too.

“So pizza’s ruined for you forever because you saw your grandpa’s junk?” Zoro clarified, and Ace wished that he would stop, because Ace had personally become too familiar with the wrinkly sack of someone near and dear to him. He was gonna set both him and Luffy off and it’d be a pain. At least they were both already comfy.

“Yeah, at least meat lovers is. I dunno about other kinds but I dunno what the point of pizza is if you’re not gonna put meat on it.” And of all the flavors to have ruined for you, Luffy probably had it the worst.

Ace would ignore the asshole part of his brain that wanted him to egg on the possibility that meat as a whole would be off the table now because of this. Luffy went through enough, and that kind of bullying went too far even for Ace.

“At least you’re in the same boat as all of us now. Welcome to the worst club you’re ever gonna join.” Hopefully.

Ace was trying to figure out how all this was possible, and how this could happen in such a short span of time too, when he heard the sound of someone trying to unlock the door, and then it opening. That only meant one thing.

“Hey, what’d I miss?” Sabo asked, pulling off his boots and heading into the living room. He’d take the love seat and lounge in it.

“Hey Luffy, tell him what happened.” Oh how misery enjoyed company.


	17. Chapter 17

So they were ready to meet up again after finding out what had happened. He really wanted to know, because while part of him knew that it was wrong to meddle in someone else’s relationship like this, but another part of him wouldn’t be happy until he knew. It was wrong, but maybe they could help once they all knew where to go from here now. Zoro and Sanji were usually so happy together aside from their usually ass picking, it was kinda weird to see them have an actual fight.

Franky and Usopp were their only hope to figure out what happened. Maybe Robin because she was good at finding out what happened. And since she visited Franky a lot she probably already got him to tell her. Chopper was doing his best not to pry into this because they were all going to find out together and it was only fair. And he didn’t wanna hold it over everyone else’s heads like Luffy was.

Most of them were gathered in Nami’s living room. Obviously Sanji and Zoro weren’t here, but it was weird that Luffy wasn’t. He was bad at sticking to plans, but he never turn up a chance to hang out. Even if Nami didn’t tell him, he would’ve figured it out somehow, but then again this wouldn’t be the first time he was late to something.

Seemed like everyone else noticed too, because the spot that Luffy usually claimed as his own was vacant and he wasn’t the only one glancing over to the door. “Whatever, its not like he doesn’t already know what’s going on. Tell us what’s going on already.” Nami ordered. It was fair enough, but it still felt a little wrong. Luffy should still be a part of this.

“Well, Sanji fucked Zoro’s da-”

-Chopper already knew that this was awful, when there was a solid and loud thud at the door, followed by a muffled “Ow!” from Luffy. That was weird even by Luffy standards. And by weird he meant perfectly normal because most people knock. The real Luffy way was to break into houses because that’s just what he does.

Since it was her house, Nami answered the door. He could tell by the look on her face that she assumed that Luffy was up to something. Given that this was Luffy, he couldn’t really blame her. She opened the door and Luffy stumbled inside, losing his balance as he went to knock on the door with his head. It was far from the worst thing he had ever seen Luffy do to himself, but it didn’t exactly look pleasant.

Nami stared down at him. “I know I’m going to regret this, but what are you doing?”

“I was knocking, obviously.” Luffy said as if this was something that any of them there had ever seen him do.

“I can see that, but why were you knocking.” Luffy opened his mouth, but Nami interrupted. “And if you say because you wanted inside I’m going to kick your ass.”

“My hands aren’t working good so I couldn’t do the lock and I didn’t wanna pay for a new door if I punched through yours.” It had been a little over twenty four hours since they saw him last. What did he do to himself??

He was still making his way through med school, but this was his friend and hearing that his hands didn’t work made Chopper really nervous. He’d hop out of his chair and hurry over to his side and flip him so he wasn’t on his stomach.

“What do you mean your hands don’t work?” He’d poke at Luffy’s hands to see if there’s any reaction. Luffy squeezed his hands closed to show him. The way it clenched looked like it had to be painful. But Luffy didn’t seem to care. He just stared at it like it was nothing.

“It does stuff, I just can’t feel it.” How was he not horrified about that? He sounded so inconvenienced like it wasn’t a terrifying thing that was happening to him. It was never a good thing when you couldn’t feel something. Chopper’d keep poking up his arm.

“Luffy, how long have you been like this?” He’d shoot a text to his mom, so she can bring over some stuff so they can check him out. He might also shoot Law a text because he might be interested in this and might also be of help if he wasn’t busy about residency work.

“I dunno, since yesterday.”

“Luffy it’s five in the evening! How are you not worried?!” He was honestly the worst. He couldn’t believe that he’d let something happen this long! Even by Luffy standards!!

“I mean its like when your arms fall asleep, it comes back eventually.” He’d shrug. Chopper’d shoot a look over to the rest of his friends. They’d give him back worried looks, but really they couldn’t make sense of Luffy logic either.

There were so many things that this could be. He couldn’t even begin to try and figure this out because no one could track what Luffy was up to at any given point. Chopper grabbed a pen from off the entrance way table and held it in front of Luffy’s face.

“Can you follow this pen with your eyes for me?” Luffy raised his eyebrow, but for once did as he was told. He did a good job of following the pen, so he could possibly rule out brain trauma. He still was unsure but everything seemed to be alright up there. “Other than not feeling your hands, how are you feeling? Do you feel any differently than a week or so ago?”

“I feel fine, Chopper. I just can’t feel my arms.” He still was unsure about all this. This felt a lot like something that should be dealt with at a hospital. It was probably nothing, but it was better to be safe than sorry. He’d text the change of plans to everyone to keep Luffy mostly out of the loop for now. It was easier than chasing him down if he knew. It probably wasn’t morally right, but it was in his patient’s best interest so maybe lying would be okay?

His mom showed up and slung Luffy over his shoulder. He flailed, but Chopper was certain she had dealt with worse, even if Luffy was really strong. “What the hell?! Let me go!” He’d flail as his mom took him down the hall to the stairs. There was nothing that he could do to free himself.

“You go with them, I’ll text his brothers.” Nami said. This wasn’t how he planned this evening to go at all. This was possibly one of the worst outcomes this night could’ve had.

“I’ll keep you posted once we’re there.” He’d run down the hallway after them. Hopefully they were all going to stay together and this would be easier to communicate.

This was going to be one long night.


	18. Chapter 18

This sucked. He was stuck in a bed in a hospital and he was tired but too pissed off about all this to sleep for long. It was all so stupid and one of his friends had done this to him. He trusted Chopper and it was just like a hand falling asleep, but both and for a few more hours than normal. It wasn’t something that he needed to go to the hospital for.

They poked him with needles, put a thing in his arm that they had only just told him didn’t have a needle in it anymore but still felt kinda poky, and then pumped him full of stuff that made him feel like he was peeing his pants in a machine that told him what to do. He couldn’t do anything fun and didn’t even feel like he had the energy to do anything anyway. There was nothing he could do about any of this and everything felt like it took nine years.

It made him feel like a little kid again in the worst kind of way. It made him think of the time when they poked at him to find out he had narcolepsy. It was so boring then and it was boring now. You’d think that they’d be better at this stuff by now, but it still took all of his life and he hated it so much.

Everyone took turns dropping into his room and fretting over him while everyone else paced in the halls or whatever. For once his Grandpa was cool about this, because he also got that the feeling would come back eventually. No one else seemed to get that. Not the doctors poking and bugging him or the rest of his family that was annoying him. At least now that he was lying in bed feeling the not even fun drunk they were mostly leaving him be. They were still kinda hovering, but it was whatever.

There was a knock at his door before it opened. He swore that if this was another doctor coming to tell him that he had to do another test on him, he was gonna bite them once they were close enough. He was sure that they had done everything there was to him. If they didn’t know what was wrong by now they weren’t going to figure it out and Luffy didn’t care. He just wanted to sleep in a bed that he chose to be in. Or a couch on a friends house. And not be full of drugs.

“So Luffy-ya. You look like you’re having fun.” Traffy smirked. He could work with Traffy.

“Hey Traffy come over here.” He mumbled, hoping that he’d get close enough to be bitten.

“No. I’ve been up for 36 hours and I’m not playing games with you, Luffy-ya.” Boring. “I did have some questions for you.”

Traffy leaned over by the monitors, just out of mouth range. “So what exactly were you up to before you lost feeling in your arms? I know you said you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary, but I also know you do a lot of bullshit on a daily basis. So what were you doing.” How many times was he going to have to tell this story. It made his mouth taste like bad pizza and his eyes hurt.

“I had pizza ruined for me forever cause I saw my grandpa bangin the police chief.” He already told Ace and Zoro, that was supposed to mean he didn’t have to say it again.

“Wouldn’t have happened if you would’ve let me know ahead of time you were coming over.” His Grandpa sassed, as if the damage could be undone.

“I just wanted my pizza!!”

Traffy nodded, thinking doctor thoughts no doubt. Luffy was going to be so pissed if he was going to have to do another brain scan. He did everything there was to do and he wasn’t about to do it again. “Alright, you just sit tight and I’ll be back.” He disappeared back out through the door.

“Where the hell else would I go!?” Luffy yelled after him as he disappeared through the door. Luffy would weakly kick his feet a little. This wasn’t fair at all.

He wanted to say that it took forever for them to come back, but it felt more like a few seconds, because he must’ve dozed off for a bit. Stupid hospital drugs. But he was woken up from a nap he didn’t know he was having. This was why hospitals sucked, everyone wanted to talk to him while he was trying to sleep and the attention he got wasn’t even the good kind because it was when he wanted to sleep.

“So we might’ve figured out what’s wrong with you.” Dr. Chopper’s mom said, with Chopper and Traffy behind her watching what she was doing.

“Bring Dadan in, she’s been wanting to know for years.” He was kinda hazy right now, but he was still there enough to be really funny. No one else was laughing but him, but the joke wasn’t for them anyways.

“So it’s possible that this is conversion disorder. Meaning that these are psychological problems manifesting in physical ways. Meaning something bad happened to you and the only way your brain can deal with it is to make your body do something.” He was still unclear, but there were people there that knew what was happening so they’d tell him later.

“So how is this my problem.” He could see the pained reactions of Chopper and Traffy, but they didn’t have a thousand tests done on them today so they didn’t get to be exasperated about all this

“It means that you can go home, and if the feeling doesn’t come back in a few days on its own, then see your doctor and figure out where to go from there.”

“Oh so like I said before all of this. It’s gonna come back on its own.” He gave Chopper a really sour look. Chopper gave him a nervous grin and shrug like this hadn’t all been his fault.

This was so much of his life that he was never getting back on tests that said nothing. This was why he hated the hospital.


	19. Chapter 19

Sanji was so out of the loop. It happened in a few days and he expected some stuff to happen, because stuff happened every time they all got together. He wasn’t ready for the adventure that was Luffy being admitted into the hospital and then the text of Luffy being perfectly fine. He worked that night so he missed those texts entirely until the next afternoon when he was discharged.

He had gotten about half way to check on Luffy, when he remembered that Zoro was still there. It still felt wrong to be around him right now. There was stuff you couldn’t take back, and even if Luffy was fine he’d still needed to sleep off whatever they put in him at the hospital to keep him from fighting everyone trying to do tests or whatever on him. Sanji strongly doubted he’d want that potential bomb to go off while he was trying to sleep.

Besides, Sanji had a shift at the restaurant he needed to do. If he was going to keep his passions separate and secret, he was going to have to suck it up on the days where they were close like this. Given where he worked, it wasn’t hard to keep them from being booked in the same time slots. But it wasn’t like working slightly hungover was any great prize. Thankfully he wasn’t stuck with an opening shift, because he would’ve had to call out because there’s no way he would be able to make after last night.

He’d punch in and get to work prepping for the dinner rush. It weirdly felt like they had too many people in the kitchen today. Who the hell was responsible for the schedule? He’d set down the potato he was peeling and head over to the list on the bulletin board. He was definitely on for Sunday. He’d glance over to Patty.

“What the hell are you doing here, dumbass. You’re not on today.” Patty gave him a smug look that if they weren’t busy doing prep work he’d kick right off of him.

“Better question is what day do you think it is, Sanji? Cause it’s Saturday.” It was not and Sanji knew he was just covering his ass to make it sound like he didn’t fuck up. Sanji pulled the phone out of his pocket to prove he was wrong.

“Well that’s odd, because my phone says its-” -Saturday- “-Oh goddamn shit fuck.”

He’d keep swearing as the other cooks laughed at him. He’d punch back out and get out of there as fast as he could. This was fucking embarrassing and it was bad enough that he was hungover from last night. He was going to take a couch nap when he got home. Fuck going all the way up to his room.

Plans changed suddenly when he saw exactly what the fucking hell was going on at his house on the couch he was planning to sleep on. It was an outfit that he knew Iva had, he had even seen them wear it in shows, but he had no idea that this was who they was with. He didn’t picture Zeff to have any kind of preference because it was gross to think about and he was never really vocal about this kind of thing. Which given his relationship was a very good thing.

It was jarring to see his drag mom and his father figure, people that lived in two worlds he was very careful to keep separate, together. They hadn’t actually started the sex part of this, but Sanji wasn’t a fool. He knew what BDSM gear looked like and he knew exactly what was going on and his brain couldn’t even make his body do anything. He stood there in horror as he tried to figure out what he should do.

He finally could muster turning his head to the side to avoid looking at this, because he had already saw way too much. Turning his head he could see Richard, the anatomically correct blow up boyfriend, looking just as surprised about all this as he was. At least he wasn’t the only poor bystander in all this.

“Eggplant?! What the hell are you doing home!? I thought you worked today?!” His dad yelled, grabbing a cushion to cover his shame as he rushed back to his bedroom.

“I forgot what day it was! You should’ve known I didn’t work because you made the damn thing!” This was absolutely mortifying.

“You’ve seen mother wearing way worse, my little candy.” Iva casually said, like the bastard they were. Like being his drag mom would keep their teeth from getting kicked in.

“Iva you were going to fuck my dad!! What the hell!!” He couldn’t lie he way out of this. He wasn’t born yesterday.

“It’s natural for mommies and daddies to-”

“-Shut your hell up the fuck! You’re not married to my dad!!” This was completely different. These parts of his life were never supposed to cross. And never this much, this was emotional damage that might’ve been beyond repair.

“Well you and your little mossy boy toy aren’t married, yet you’ve told me-”

“-That’s enough out of you!! We’re not going around calling each other mommy and daddy, you kinky fuck.” He pointed to poor Richard, who was all dressed up with nowhere to go. “And why the fuck is he here?!”

“Having someone watch you in the act adds excitement, but unfortunately there was no one else that volunteered. Richard’s a real freak.” God this was absolute shit. Shit of every animal imaginable.

Though with this unapologetic bastard and his dad fucking, it did make him think of something. This was probably what Zoro was going through. Sanji knew that if that bastard was feeling this way that there was no way in hell that he was going to be doing any emotional healing for it and was letting the wound fester. That emotionally stupid dumbass.

This had gone on for too long. This was a sign from whatever bastard watched over their world that he had to get his act together and apologize. He caused this pain, and now it was also his burden to bare. He also had someone that was close to him fuck his dad, so maybe now more than ever he was able to properly apologize. They were both in the same boat now and holy shit it fucking sucked so hard.

But he couldn’t actually stick around here to do it. This was actually the last place he wanted to be. It was tainted by the taints of two people he trusted. Or at least it was going to be. The intent to taint it ruined it, and now he thought the word taint too many times and he was now nauseous.

“Leaving so soon, little Eggplant?” Iva mocked, not knowing that he was going to steal that bitch’s tips next time they worked together. He was taking Richard with him too. That poor vanilla boy needed to be taken back to the bar, and Iva couldn’t be trusted with him anymore. Everyone was going to know what happened.

“Drop dead.”


	20. Chapter 20

His stuff was almost packed up. It was a nice visit, and it wasn’t like he wasn’t going to be back any time soon, but Zoro was glad to be leaving. He almost missed the nagging at his house, and he felt like his form was losing it’s edge. The rage he felt had finally subsided, and he was finally ready to go back to his home.

Naturally Luffy hung around him. It was like the trip to the hospital made him worse, because he had all this pent up energy and he had nothing to do but terrorize everyone around him. He could be a lot on a normal day, but now he was unhinged and everyone’s problem. He was absolutely awful and there was nothing that could be done about him other than let this run it’s course. Another good reason for him to leave now.

“Why are you leaving already. You should just move in and we should stay up all night and watch movies and eat the ice cream Usopp left behind.” Luffy whined, hanging off of him in the most inconvenient way. He really knew the way to make people want to be around him like this.

“I don’t like sweets. Why don’t you ask your brothers, or one of our friends.” He couldn’t give into his awful ways. It’d only encourage his assy behavior and he couldn’t allow that. It wouldn’t stop it, but he wasn’t about to support it when it wasn’t to his advantage.

“You weren’t actually gonna get any. I was just saying that so you’d stay.” It was a little sad, but it wasn’t like Luffy was going to be alone. He still had his brothers here with him.

“I’m going home, Luffy.” Still not the answer Luffy wanted. He’d ignore the loud and prolonged whine he was letting out so that Zoro knew he wasn’t happy about this and he’d keep packing his bag.

He didn’t have a car, so he’d just walk back. It wasn’t like he hadn’t walked over there before. Wasn’t like it was going to be the last time he was ever going to walk over there. It was the simple fact that this was a good place to hang out. Luffy’s brothers had amazing taste in couches.

“Zoooooooorooooooooooo.” Luffy’d keep whining as Zoro grabbed his bag and started heading for the door. There stood a very good chance that Luffy was going to sleep over at Zoro’s, and he already knew there was nothing he could do to stop him. At least this would be at his house so it’d be more like a regular Luffy visit, in that he did whatever he pleased and there was nothing you or anyone could do to stop him.

He was ignoring Luffy when there was a knock at the door. This wasn’t his house, and he didn’t really want to answer it either, but it was also the only way he knew of that wasn’t a window. Since he wasn’t Luffy, or a wuss, he’d get it. He was heading that way anyways.

Zoro opened the door to find Sanji there holding a cake. It didn’t look like a cake Sanji made. It looked all wrong, like a kid iced it or something. He looked like a fucking trainwreck, so maybe that’s why the cake looked like shit.

“Zoro I’m sorry about what happened. It was really fucked up and there’s nothing that I can say that can make this better so please accept this.” Sanji was emotional, so there stood a good chance that he let this tear him up for the last few days. It definitely looked that way.

“You didn’t have to make me a ‘sorry I fucked your dad cake’. You already know I don’t like sweets.” It was a stupid gift and he wasn’t going to lie to make him feel better.

“Yeah but this is special, lemme in so I can cut you a slice.” Sanji argued, trying to muscle past him like there wasn’t both him and Luffy in the way.

“I don’t want any cake.”

“I’ll take Zoro’s slice if he doesn’t want it.” Luffy was eyeballing the cake since this all started, this was unsurprising.

“I’m sorry, did I fuck your dad?”

“Actually you did. You fucked Shanks too.” The look on Sanji’s face was priceless. He had almost forgot that Shanks was a father figure for Luffy. He had so many dad’s floating around that he couldn’t keep track of all of them.

“I will deal with you later then. Zoro I made this for you as an apology. Eat a fucking piece or I’m going to kick your dick so far into you it looks like a second tongue I swear to god.” He always got this upset when it came to food not being eaten, but it was too much fun not to.

“Has anyone told you how amazing you are at apologi-” His sassing was interrupted by cake being forcibly shoved into his mouth. The whole experience caught him off guard, because this wasn’t cake. Despite everything about how it looked, it actually a bunch of rice balls all made into a cake shape. It was almost as sweet as it was dorky. He can’t believe he’d do something like this, but at the same time it was exactly something that Sanji would do.

“See!! I can make cake you like. How’s that for an apology?” He could tell him he forgave him, but he still had a bit of squirming Zoro wanted to make him do. And where was the fun in telling him he was forgiven before he even done all the things he needed to yet?

“You haven’t apologized to everyone yet. I’ll consider apologizing when you tell Mihawk and Shanks you’re sorry for using them in your revenge fucking.” It was something that was important. And while the genuineness of it might be up for debate because he was making him do it, it still had to be done.

Sanji rolled his head back in exasperation, thinking that anything was going to be this easy was a stupid thing to do. He knew how they all had been for the entire time they knew each other. “Fine. But Luffy might eat your entire ‘sorry I fucked your dad’ cake on the way over.”

“It’s like that sometimes.”


	21. Chapter 21

The first thing that was pointed out when they got out to the car was something that Sanji should’ve thought about before he made that cake in a panic. Richard, the anatomically correct blow up boyfriend was still sitting in the back seat of his car all buckled in. Goddamn shit fuck.

“Who’s your friend? You get so desperate in the week we were apart that you had to find someone else?” Zoro snorted as the urge to die rose in Sanji again.

“Its a long story that I’m not sharing, but I’m taking him back to the bar for my friend because they never got to start whatever goddamn awful thing they had planned because I walked in on them. They lost their right to him.” Even if they were his drag mom.

“Suuuure.” The disbelief pissed him off, but there was sweet fuck all he could do about it. They all piled into Sanji’s car. Zoro sat with him, and Luffy sat with Richard. It was a short ride from here to Zoro’s, but Sanji knew that this was going to be hell.

The closer they got, the deeper the pit in his stomach felt. His recent embarrassment passed in order to be over taken by the heavy shame that consumed him. This whole thing was stupid, but Sanji couldn’t disagree what he did was shitty. He had never been on the receiving end of a revenge fuck, but thinking about it did make him feel a little (unsexy) dirty.

He could pretty well understand the pain of knowing that someone you were close with and cared about in a non parental way was fucking your dad. Iva was like a mentor he could also confide in, but it was different than seeing like a parent or a stranger in bed (or couch) with them. And even then there was no rage and booze clouding judgment to make him wanna stick his dick into any hole that would take it and cause the most emotional pain to whoever hurt him. Those were just two kinky adults having sex for pleasure only.

“If you’re gonna barf at least pull the car over.” Zoro said through a mouthful of rice ball he had grabbed from the back in a big fistful.

Shit that was right. He was driving. Now was not the time to think about anyone having sex, least of all parental figures in his life. He was gonna drive over to Zoro’s place, and apologize to Mihawk about all of this. This wasn’t just going to be for Zoro anymore, now it was for them. He used them and that was a dick move on his part.

“I’ll be fine, fuck off.” He’d work towards repressing that as deep as he can, and he’ll worry about why he cries when he sees crops and black leather when and if he crosses that bridge.

“As long as he doesn’t barf on the cake I don’t care.” Luffy chimed in, as if anyone cared. He was lucky that he was both holding food and someone he had to apologize to later or else he would’ve slammed on the brakes at the next light and make him eat seat. He’d owe him one later.

Zoro and Luffy were the first to get out of the car. Sanji stayed where he was to try and compose his thoughts. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right the first time. There was no time to make anything, and there was no time to even get him a nice bottle of apology wine.

“You just gonna stay there?” Zoro mocked, grabbing his bag from the back.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get time to properly prepare three more apologies and it’s too late to do anything about it.” Not like Luffy wasn’t hard. You bake him a ham and he’d forgive you for literally anything.

“You shouldn’t save things until the last minute then.” God if he didn’t have abs you could bounce quarters off and was someone he genuinely enjoyed the company of, he’d’ve leave right now.

“Yeah! Stop putting stuff off til the last minute!” Luffy laughed, still under the protection of being wronged and holding food, and still having an unbroken kneecap.

“Both of you can fuck right off.” Sanji could manage an apology with words. And promises to make them supper that night as an apology. He’d get out of the car and follow them both inside. God this was going to suck.

“Hey Mihawk! Someone wants to have a word with you.” Zoro yelled, kicking his shoes off and laying on the couch. Luffy promptly layed on top of him with the rice balls on his stomach like some sort of otter.

Sanji heard a door slowly creak open. He had to keep silently reminding himself that this was going to be alright, and that this was going to go fine. As dramatically as the door opened, Mihawk walked out into the living room. How none of that powerful aesthetic wiped onto Zoro at this point was a mystery.

“Yes, Roronoa?” His eyes flicked from Zoro to Sanji, and he felt like he was thirteen and pizza faced, coming to pick up whoever his crush was that month for a date only to have her big displeased father answer the door instead. “Ah, so I’m assuming you’ve patched things up?”

“Uhh.” Sanji’s voice cracked. He’d clear his throat and ignore any snickers from the peanut gallery. “I actually came to apologize to you.”

Mihawk raised an eyebrow as his eyes dug into him as Sanji was sized up. Sanji wasn’t going to think about how there were actual swords in this house and how he needed to be very careful about how he chose his words. “Proceed.”

Sanji swallowed hard. He also had to be careful not to ask if his daughter was home, because then he’d have to leave and move to a different province and hope for better luck there. “I wanted to apologize for using you. It was a shitty thing to do on my part, and if you’d let me I’d like to apologize by preparing supper for you and your household, and Shanks tonight.” He’d look over to the couch. “I guess Luffy can also be there.”

“I was gonna show up anyways.”

“So you think if I let you prepare me food that I’ll let you date my son? After all that you’ve done?” Zoro groaned and hid his face in his hands. It felt a little nice to have him share in the awkward pain that was this apology. “You had better hope that this meal is the best one you have ever prepared. I shall allow you to use my kitchen.”

A weight felt like it lifted off his shoulders. He was in the clear if he could atone in cooking. He was going to treat this kitchen better than anyone had ever treated it before.

“I won’t let you down.” He might not’ve known anyone’s favorite foods, but he’d be sure to make everything better than they had ever had before.

“We shall see what Shanks thinks.” He turned dramatically to return to his room.

Yeah Sanji was forgiven.


	22. Chapter 22

Finally things were starting to get back to normal. Supper went excellently, and him and Zoro were back together. This drama was behind them, and they can forget all the trauma that had happened over the past week aside from the few sour looks he occasionally got from their friends as they were still in the process of forgiving him for what he’s done. Promises from Luffy and Zoro that things were fine only got so far, but hopefully they’d be back to where they were in no time.

But for now they were going to enjoy some movies at Ace’s. He had by far the best couches and enough that it could easily hold all of them while they watched shows. He’d settle himself on Zoro and be glad that today Luffy wasn’t targeting him to throw himself at. It had to have been one of the more relaxing nights they’d had in a while.

Depending on how they both felt after all this, maybe Sanji and Zoro could head out to a motel and finally get that birthday sex Sanji owed Zoro. At this point both of their houses were out of the question, so Sanji wouldn’t mind spending a little extra money so that they could have somewhere to bang in peace and not worry about stumbling into the wrong room and running into something neither of them wanted to see. Besides, this was part of Zoro’s birthday gift. It was only fair that Sanji paid.

Sanji doubted that Zoro was going to turn it down. But this was Zoro, so who knew when he was going to decide to turn in for the night and if that left a window for sex. Sanji was flexible in more than one way, so he’d be fine doing this another day. But he’d also wouldn’t be at all against doing this tonight.

There was a knock at the door. There was a mutual glance about to see if this was for anyone there. Everyone seemed just as confused as he was. He peeked down the hallway to see if anyone was going to get that. Maybe Ace or Sabo was inviting someone over or ordered something in.

The knock turned to frantic ringing of the doorbell. Jesus whoever wanted in had better be chased by a murderer and this be the only house they can turn to. Who the hell rings doorbells like that. Sanji was about to get up and answer it himself, despite this not being his house, but Ace came storming down the hallway swearing under his breath. Sabo followed behind to see what the commotion was all about.

Ace had barely opened the door when all their parental figures came storming into the house. For some reason, there was also known rich business man Newgate there. Everyone there who had parental figures that were still alive exchanged looks of confusion and fear. Ace also looked mortified for some reason. This was something that never happened, so it had to be something serious, right?

“Alright. So you kids have probably figured out, we need to have a serious talk.” Garp said, leading this conversation. It was never a good sign when the police man started this off. Who was doing what crime and why were they so sloppy about it. Luckily he wasn’t the only one who was confused by all this, seeing as how they were all looking to each other for answers. Because one of them had to have fucked up somehow. There were police and parents here talking to them all. That didn’t just happen for no goddamn reason.

“If you brats hadn’t realized, this is about your lack of manners when it comes to knocking.” Oh no, he knew exactly what this was about now. Was it too late to pull an Usopp and fake an illness to get out of this?

“You might not like thinking about it, but even as we get on in life we’re still just as active as we were in our youth. If a door is closed, there might be a really good reason for it.” Was it too late to die? “That’s why you’ve gotta use your manners you learned when you were little and remember to knock. I know that at least three of you know that because I made Dadan teach you that.”

Dadan scoffed at that last statement. But if Sanji was forced to raise those three, he’d probably be the same way. “And if I could get it through the heads of two of ‘em, the rest of you brats should be able to get it.” He knew exactly who was the odd one out here.

“You’re all grown ups now, so you shouldn’t have to have this conversation.” Shanks scolded. It was absolutely bizarre to hear scolding come from Shanks. He was nothing but “don’t worry about it”s and having a good time.

“You don’t have to have this conversation! We’ve already learned the hard way! Plus some of you guys are so old maybe we didn’t consider sex to still be on the table.” Ace argued, taking a seat on the couch.

“Oh it’s only sometime on the table. Sometimes its on-”

“-STOP IT OH MY GOD.” Iva was absolutely awful sometimes. He was only doing this to be an asshole and he knew it. This was who he was and would continue to be. This would be way funnier if this wasn’t also his problem now too.

“You kids might not like to think about it, but you’ll still probably be banging each other well into your twilight years. You know there’s plenty of places for older folks like myself to find a partner.” He couldn’t tell who he wanted to hear talk about sex less: Zeff or Garp. Somehow there was no good solution to this question because he lost either way.

“Please stop talking about this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get a boner again.” He didn’t mean to say that in front of everyone, least of all Zeff. But it was out there now and he had to deal with it.

“They’ve got a pill for that. Works wonders.”

Kill him.


End file.
